07 December, 2009

Alien Probes, or How I survived a Pentax up my Arse.

Today was my colonoscopy which I had to have before we could proceed with the operation to reverse what was leftover from the cancer surgery in 2005, a thing called an ileostomy which basically is, as the nurses explain it "Your bottom in another place" (just what I always wanted) Yes, I've heard the "They tore you a new arsehole" joke, The ability to crap on your own penis is a wonderful thing.

So this is what happened, Before a colonoscopy they give you something to drink which is like two litres of thin KY jelly and tastes as nice, two laxettes and two fizzy, salty pouches which is like beroccas evil twin brother. What this amounts to is something like French Nuclear testing in your bowel, You are now fully capable, as Dad delicately put it, of "Shitting through the eye of a needle".

You "GO" (like NOW or you'll be sorry) about every 15 minutes or so till about 2am, at which point, you think you've finished, but don't be fooled.

But... Because I was not connected down there where they had to look, I thought I was getting off scot free, and how wrong was I.

Because I got an Enema instead.

And spent quite a disturbingly long amount of time on the dunny, wondering when it would be safe to leave.

Even when I did leave, I had to return at least five more times.

But here was the weird part.

I was called to the room where they do the procedure and was asked a few basic questions (Much of it had been done already).

Then I got a needle in the back of my hand, which was a bit "ow" but not too bad, and once it was in, it was fine.

I had a nice warm blanket over me and felt very comfy, and was given an oxygen mask.

The nurse asked my if I was feeling sleepy, and well, there was a mild, mild sense that something might be happening, I said yes, but it was kind of a lie.

I opened my eyes, not that I remember closing them, and discovered that I was in another room, and someone said something like "Ahh you're awake, how are you feeling?"

I didn't feel groggy or anything, it felt as though someone had done the cleanest edit ever, just like a movie, I was one place, and then the other.

"Is it over?" I asked, "Surely not" I thought.

But yes, it was all over.

I was asked to get up and the nurse took me to a comfy chair and got me a nice coffee and some tasty sandwiches and that was... well, that.

Seriously folks, if the doc suggests a colonoscopy, trust me, Dentist = fear factor 4,
Colonoscopy = Fear factor 0.1 Rooly Rooly.



  1. Welcome to the Pentax Club. They made me drink that slimy crap for a day beforehand, then decided I was still too full of **it when i got there and made me drink another litre of it and wait around before doing the "gin and tonic" anaesthetic. We must have had the same editor for the main scene though...

  2. Ha Ha! Great Blog Post!!! Made it sound almost... funny to get a camera up the old arse!


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