The end

I have often wondered what goes through people's minds when they're told that they have cancer or some other disease which may end their lives.

This happened to Me in 2005, When I was diagnosed with Rectal Cancer, which I renamed Arse Cancer after deciding to fight it.

My first thought, was a strange mix of fear and relief, an odd feeling of exhalation, of thank god it's over.

The feeling was much the same as what I felt that final day of school when I knew I'd never have to face that place I hated so much, ever again.

The second thought was very logical, "Ok, So what can We do about it?".

As it turned out, there was something We could do, So I decided to do that, and have remained alive.

I've tended to see this lifetime as Me waiting at a bus shelter somewhere, waiting for a bus that will come, at some point. and take Me to My real life.

This one was educational, and had some lovely bits in it, but I never liked it all that much. I hope there's another life out there.

I'm an Athiest, I don't feel there's any logic believing anything in the Bible, burning bushes that talk, or Men stuffing the entire planets creatures, x2, into a single ship.

Yet I'm not sure that We die and that is that.

I've told people that should I die and return in another life that I'll either like it or hate it, but if I don't return, and there's no life after this one, I won't have anything at all to worry about.

If I die, and I'm a free floating spirit, I'm going to peek into people's homes and see for the first time that everyone on the planet is a pervert in some way or another, to find all their secrets, to see who is keeping an ET or Alf as a family member and all the weird nonsense that people get up to in their own homes, I'd see truth for the first time, not some watered down television version of it.

Life is X-Rated, did you know that?

Having cancer made me consider a lot of things, and in an odd way I'm grateful, even though it was really awful to go through.

I'd never want to go through it again, mind you.

I experienced a great levelling too, suddenly everyone who had cancer was in an odd sort of club. When Kylie Minogue had it, I felt a bizarre kind of kinship with Her, Olivia Newton-John and others, People Who I'd never meet.

Where possible, I support charities who are trying to eliminate cancer, I can't afford much, but am happy to drop a coin into a can when I go shopping.

I don't buy ribbons, I don't care who knows that I "gave" or not, I don't want more junk filling up that kitchen drawer.

I don't want others to go through it, Men, Women, Children... Cats, Dogs or Horses.

Anyway, I'm still sitting here waiting for the bus, twiddling my thumbs, listening to the birds, talking to the odd stranger. Looking out to the horizon and wondering when this bus will arrive and is it going to be early or late?