Last night, I finally began to grieve for Mum.
I lost her in 2006, due to a lung condition which we were unable to solve before time ran out. She'd got me through many things including an incredibly difficult birth, which She'd remind me of on each birthday, Whooping cough which almost killed me as a child, She'd cleaned up my blood when I'd had accidents and finally She saw me through my chemotherapy.
When She died, I couldn't comprehend it, I wasn't sad, I couldn't cry. I allowed myself to, but it wouldn't come.
Mum was so very close to me, and such a great cog in my life that when she went, I went numb, because I couldn't see how great the loss was.
I felt as though a great wall or mountain was up against my nose.
As with Dad, I had a dream, but far more complex.
For ages now, I have dreamt of my parents being alive or sick or dead, it's been very confusing. Last night even, I thought Mum was dead and yet Dad was alive.
Icons in the dream included Me finding an old mans' musty jacket in the guttter and having to wear it for some reason.
My Dad having lots of money, and his Boss trying to swindle some of it back.
[in real life his Boss was nice to him].
a bitterly cold evening, where the wind blew through my gas heater and My old dog sitting out the front, in the cold [Malamute] and the gate was wide open,
yet he remained with me.
Then of Mum and I, sitting in the street, I was almost naked except for underwear, but wasn't concerned.
I could hear a woman singer, and it was though My Mother was suggesting she's the one who will enter my life and make things better. I'm a loner and I really don't want anything to do with dating or marriage, yet there was joy in this part of the dream which took the hurt away.
A person sent me a letter, expressing their sorrow for me "I've lost my Mum too" it said. and there was a short poem that seemed to be penned by Terry Pratchet or Dr Seuss.
And then suddenly I felt the loss and began to weep in my dream, and then woke.
I'll take today as it comes, I'm not sure what the effect will be, but I'm glad that finally there's been something.